Today was very interesting to say the least. It started out with skipping breakfast which I know is a big no-no in WW, but I didn't have time for it. I went to start working on my two online college classes and their assignments and realized that I missed the deadline for my business course, which means an automatic zero and I don't know how to submit work for my accounting class. Not a good start to the semester. So, I did what I do best and had a complete breakdown crying and thinking I will never be able to do this - any of this.

I decided I had to clear my head and get out of the house, so I made the grocery list and went shopping. I went through the slow cooker cookbook I picked up on Friday at WW and picked recipes for the week. When I went to the store I realized something surprising - I am saving money by being on WW. Tom said it is because I am "shopping with a purpose" instead of randomly putting items in a cart thinking I will figure out later what to make. Also, we aren't calling out anymore for take out, so that saves a bundle. Anyone who says it costs too much to eat healthy, I dare you to do it and then see what I saw.

I am also finding that every WW recipe we have made is wonderful. I have yet to try one I haven't liked. Tonight we made a Turkey Curry. Not only did I love it, but so did the kids, Tom and mom. It was great. We are expanding what we eat. It's really interesting to try all these new recipes. Last night we had Polish, tonight Indian and tomorrow Mexican. It's so cool and completely not boring. I am enjoying cooking again as well. I hated cooking for so long, but now I really love it, especially when I see how much everyone likes what I've made.

So, now I am going to try again to complete the assignments for accounting so they are on time and I will just have to buckle down and work even harder to make all my assignments be perfect for Business to make up for this week of zeros.

I can do this - breakdowns or not. I'm sure I will have more, but I will do what I always do - pick myself up, brush myself off and start over.

Emotional Eating

It must have been some kind of divine intervention that this week we discussed emotional eating at Weight Watchers. Last night, Tom and I had a big fight. Like most our fights it ended with Tom just walking off. We were at a friend's house for dinner and just as he stormed away, it was time to eat. He returned a bit later, but I was so upset I didn't even acknowledge his return. We sat to eat and all I could think about was having a huge helping of dinner. I thought back to my meeting and knew that this was obviously emotional hunger and tried as hard as possible to overcome it. I think I did a good job, I took a small portion of the main dish and had a large salad with it. I did however treat myself to a piece of garlic bread, but I am just associating that with flex points for the week and shaking it off.

I think I did a good job. I hope I don't pay for it on the scale.

It is very frustrating when we fight. We don't fight like a normal couple. We make a tiny issue into a huge event and it ALWAYS ends with Tom calling me horrible names and storming off. What upsets me is that we still, after 9 years of marriage, fight in front of the children. Not out rightly in front of them, but they know what's happening. I wish I had more self control and I could take that time to collect my thoughts and speak with him at a more appropriate time, but I am really bad at that. A goal for another week perhaps? Absolutely.

I always hear people say that you should lose weight for yourself. That if you are doing for someone else you are bound to fail. I believe this, but I still know that I am doing this almost entirely for Tom. I know he isn't physically attracted to me and I want him so much to be. I want the intimacy that married couples share and I know if I lose the weight he will be more attracted to me. With that said, I know more why people say that you are bound to fail if you are doing this for someone else. When we fought, it took everything I had to stop myself from throwing it all away and saying it wasn't worth it.

So, now I have to start thinking of this as a journey for myself. Of course he and my children will benefit from my weight loss but I have to make my motivation more myself. I don't know how yet to do that, but I will get there.

Today was better. I made a new recipe for dinner from a WW slow cooker cookbook that I picked up. It was wonderful! At church I prayed that God will give me the strength to see this through. To be a good wife to my husband and mother to my children - to make myself into the good, healthy person that God wants me to be.

It is now occurring to me just how long this journey is going to be...and I'm in it for the long haul.

First Weigh In

So I went to Weight Watchers today and had my first weigh in. I was looking forward to this moment all week. After carefully watching what I ate and made sure I drank enough water (even though that meant going to the bathroom every 45 minutes) I knew that I had to have lost at least 5 pounds. I felt better. I knew it. I had to have lost 5 pounds. As I stepped up to the scale all the choices of my past week were in my mind, and I was happy with my choices. I stepped up with a big smile on my face and waited to hear. The woman behind the counter happily chirped, "You are down 1.2 pounds!"

1.2 pounds?????? That can't be right!

I looked as she affixed my tiny membership sticker for the week to make sure what I heard was accurate and it was - 1.2 pounds. What an unbelievable disappointment.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I went with my friend who said she had a horrible time, felt awful and just got her period today, which all us ladies know means that you get bloated and gain weight. She gets on the scale and loses 2.6 pounds. I swear that the scales at Weight Watchers don't like me because that made no sense at all.

I put the smile on my face and give the line "it's one pound less than I was last week" but I just wanted to punch something. I really thought I did better and now I have to sit in this meeting, listen to how great everyone else did, put a smile on and act like I'm okay?


But - - -

As much as I hated the saying, it is true that it is one pound less than I was last week. One pound closer to goal and one pound closer to my anniversary party with my husband as I unveil the new me.

I can take pride in the fact that I know that I did all I could to reach goals. I didn't cheat. I didn't lie and I did eat the right number of points and drink all my water. I can do better and I will next week.

First week down and my current weight is 285 pounds.

What's a pound?????

It's one step closer to my dreams and goals. One pound is one less burger, ice cream or cake that I didn't eat.

One pound is the result of my first week at Weight Watchers and I am going to go into the next week with my head held high and ready for the new challenges ahead!

Changes

I've been on Weight Watchers now for just under a week (tomorrow is a week and my first weigh in) and I find the changes I am feeling already incredible. I am sure that some of it is in my head, but I do feel physically different. I noticed my appetite has changed. I am finding it difficult to eat all my points because I am getting full faster. I went to Applebee's for lunch yesterday and had a treat of a dessert shooter (I thought I'd be okay since I hadn't used any of my flex points yet) and I was so full. In the past, I would order 3 of those just for myself. The body is an amazing thing and it adapts to quickly to any situation. I am emotionally better as well and I am keeping up with my other goal. I did my make up this morning and, if I do say so myself, I look quite nice. I feel for the first time in my many weight loss attempts like I can actually do this. I feel like this is my chance and if I don't grab it now, I never may. I hope I can keep up this energy throughout this challenge. I know it's not all going to be great weeks, but if I can average 2 pounds per week, I will be so excited!

Mirrors

Mirrors are interesting things. There is no hiding from what they show. When you look it the mirror, it is all right there - good or bad. I hate looking in the mirror. My mirror shows fat everywhere. I can cover up to some extent with clothes and think I'm fooling people, but numbers and mirrors don't lie. I know what I look like naked - and it's not good. I want to like what I see, but it's more than physical. Looking into a mirror of yourself can give you an incredible sense of self. I know what I don't like about myself and I want to change that as well.

Since I am embarking on this weight loss I figure that it is a good time to change some things about myself as well. I want things to be better. There are many little things that people can do to change who they are. I don't agree when people say that people never change. Of course they do! It's a concious decision that is made, but change can't come overnight. Just like weight loss, it is a journal in small steps to become a better person. You can change your thinking. You can change who you are if you really want to. And I want to.

So, along with weight loss goals, I am setting personal goals as well. My first goal - looking better and taking better care of my physical self. Wear makeup every day. Use all those skin care products that I have stuffed into my medicine cabinet. I put on makeup at work yesterday and people kept telling me how pretty I looked. It was a good feeling. When I looked in the mirror, I liked what I saw. I've worn makeup before, but I've gotten so lazy about it, that it doesn't even occur to me that I should do it anymore.

So, along with my 5% weight loss goal is this new goal - take care of myself and get into a regimen every day so it becomes second nature.

I want to like mirrors and stop dodging them. I want to like mirrors and I want to smile when I look in a mirror - I've never done that.

The beginning

I am 30 years old, 5'7" and 286 pounds. That's right - 286 pounds. There comes a time where you say enough is enough and this is that time. I went to Weight Watchers on Friday and that started this journey. I am so excited to lose the weight and scared that I won't be able to do it. I don't want to give up (again) but it's so easy to give up and grab a beer and pizza. This is a strange place to be. I have been on Weight Watchers since Friday (so on my 4th day now) and already I feel like food is running my life. My entire thought process revolves around what did I last eat, when do I eat again and what am I going to eat? It's strange and no one would know this is what I am thinking about but it is. It's all I think about. And for good reason.

I have always been overweight. I have never been "normal". I have always wanted to be a regular weight and enjoy life like everyone else does. I hate that I can't go play with my kids, I hate that I can't wear what I want to wear, I hate that I can't go swimming without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging me, I hate that when I enter a room the first thing I do is look around to see if anyone is bigger than me, and I hate how depressed I have gotten from being this weight.

The purpose of this blog - to be accountable. I am under no delusion that I will have many readers and followers, but I want to keep a record of how I feel as I do this - the highs and lows. It's a long journey to try to lose 135 pounds, but I have to do it. I have my goals now I just have to reach them.

The first goal - set by Weight Watchers - 5% of my current weight. That is 14 pounds. Seems like a lot, but it's better than thinking about 135 pounds.

My first long term goal - My anniversary. In November, my husband and I will be celebrating our 10th anniversary and I want to look good. I was fat at our wedding and I've been fat ever since. I want to look good and wear a killer dress! My husband is SO good looking and fit and he deserves a wife who looks nice as well.

It's going to be a long journey, but it's worth it in the long run!